i had a dream meri called me and was upset that i didn’t update her on my life because apparently on facebook i was doing lots of things. and during all this ash and aubs were over and it was a stressful situation and i want to call meri, but i know i’m better off. this is just hard. i hate everything. i want to die. fuck periods

what am i going to do

do i not even know myself?

i thought i did but now…

i like to be different. i like being known for being different. i like being able to say no i’m not like most people. does that make me a bad person? or wrong? or not genuine?

no. no it doesn’t. i do like the way i dress. i don’t just dress the way i do for attention or whatever. i have no problem with brands or people that wear them

i have over a week left here, but i already want to go home. i miss my family and my house.

i am laying on my floor in my underwear listening to oldies and dreading this trip. i don’t know why. i know it will be fun. maybe it’s the drive with eric. i don’t know. i think it’s going to be one if those ‘everything turnes out better than expected things’. i also am just trying to avoid clash as much as possible. uhg life

i feel disgusting. i just want to die. i haven’t felt this way in a while. i just…. maybe i’m getting sick? i hope so.

April 13:

I am listening to between the trees and putting off responsibility. It’s a beautiful day and life is going great. I still fill like something is missing though. I’m starting to wonder if maybe not thinking for the rest of my life IS what I should do. I’m happier, but I still feel like there is no point. Which, unless I go back to the beliefs I was raised with, there isn’t. I think that’s where I’m running into trouble. Part of me never wants to go back to God or Christianity because I guess it didn’t work or something. That and I’m scared. I always have been. I have no faith in this invisible force I can’t see. I barely have faith in myself. And I try to not put too much into others either. I grew up watching and reading about people who got hurt or failed because they put too much of themselves into something or someone.

There are 2 voices in my head. One saying, ‘dude you have this one life, you need to live it. If you get hurt then at least you’re still alive.’ It’s hard listening to that voice because just a while ago I didn’t want to be alive. I’m still not sure if I want to be. I’m still trying to figure everything out. I think I can try all I want to be a ‘non-Christian’ or whatever, but that’s how I was raised and I was hard-wired to believe certain things which just brings on more uncertainty and questioning. I kind of feel like I need to get away from everything telling me what I need to be or do and just be by myself. I’m so scared that that will just lead me into a bout of depression like every other time I think about life. Which takes me back to maybe I should just stop thinking.

Timmy says we kind of feel the same way and it’s because were both really logical. I don’t know about that. I don’t know about anything. And I guess maybe that’s what I need to accept. That life is about learning and changing and finding out who you are… and then you die. Oh man. I’m glad mirs is calling soon. She’ll make me feel better about all this.

i just want to cry and cry and cry and cry until all my emotions calm down.

i just want to cry and get all these bad feelings out but i can’t. i don’t think i know how to cry.

i didn’t take my medicine last night. today will not be good. i’m already beating myself up too much.

posting this because all i want to do is whine and complain and annoy people

you see, i have been seeing this boy for a little bit over a month now. he’s older; technically i’m jail-bait. anyway, we came to an agreement that we would just see what happens and where all this goes. this was after a steamy make out sesh in his back seat. so we go out a few more times, we text every other day or so and things are good. BUT THEN the contact goes to bare minimum. nothing happened, i was just like oh well i guess he doesn’t like me any more. oh well as in ‘WTF IS GOING ONNNN’. so i text him a few times, but i still felt very uneasy. eventually, i talk to our mutual friend and she informs me he just kind of decided to back off for no real reason and not tell me that whatever our thing was, is over. by this time i am majorly pissed off. i have been frustrated for 2 weeks wondering what going on in his head then i find out he’s basically been ignoring the situation on purpose. i proceeded to rant. then a bunch of dumb shit drama happens and he started to act like a little baby. like, sensitive guys are nice, but not when they remind you of fighting with a girl.

so yeah we had lunch yesterday. it was super awk, but then it got better. things were pretty much back to normal and gr8. but then this fucking douchebag decidea to TEXT me he just wants to be friends. oh okay you couldn’t have told me that WHEN WE WERE MAKING OUT ON YOUR BED THE DAY BEFORE?? like srsly? fuck that. so then i was like ok sure smiley face, because i aviod confrontation. what i really wanted to do was call hi and tell him what a pussy he was. but i’m a thinker, so i sat in the bath with the shower on, processing everything. at this time, i thought 2 of my best friends were mad at me as well. so i get out of the shower and call a friend. she encouarges me to do i what i feel i should.

here is the conversation between me and the boy:

-hellooo?

-hi um i was just… laughs… um okay… sigh… basically i was just calling to let you know that i think you are a big fucking pussy for texting me about just wanting to just be friends. so i CALLED you and didn’t TEXT you to tell you that because i’m not a coward. like you are. um yeah okay talk to you later bye

that is not an exact quote. i’m pretty sure i mentioned something about it not being because he wanted to just be friends, but the way he let me know. though honestly i am a little peeved he didn’t just tell me yesterday like srsly just wtfffff. and i’m peeved he ended it but mostly because of how much of a little bitch he is. this is good though. he does some things that annoy me and he’s short and has a small dick and HE DOESN’T READ. that should have been a tipping off place to begin with. sigh.

i know i’m better off without him, but now i have this weird feeling. like now what do i do? god. you know i was so close to believing i would be single forever and i was almost okay with it and now this goddamn kid (and the one before too) had to fucking take away all my progress. i am now further to believing i’ll find someone then i was before!!!

FUCK

this is the first time i’ve thought about suicide in almost a week. i think i give up on romance. if it causes this much shit it must not be worth it. i so set. i ready to be single forever. i was prepared. fuck everything.

why can’t i just fucking cry?

my stomach hurts and i’m hot and people are annoying. i really don’t want to go to the beach with cam tomorrow. i just want to spend a day at home doing nothing. i really need to clean my room and i feel like cam is tiffed at me and so is mirs and i feel like this whole michael thing has ruined everything. fuck. i’m tired.

tomorrow at one i have lunch with michael. i shouldn’t care as much as i do. i think the reason i do is because he’s my first real relationship type thing. i’m scared that after this there will be no one new around to want me. because i mean, i am wantable. i don’t have the best body, but i’m not ugly and i have great lips! so yeah. i don’t know. i hope things go good tomorrow though. i hope we don’t have to completely stop things. sigh, i know that’s going to happen though. i’m going to look great tomorrow though and show him what he’s missing out on. and my confidence is always greater when i look good because when i look good i feel good! okay yes.

i have been in such a bad mood for the last few hours. i am very tired and when i’m super tired i just get really depressed. at the moment i am laying in bed watching twilight. idk i just want to go to sleep